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Archive for the ‘Movies of 2009’ Category

I like a lot of movies. I do.  I find it hard to flat-out hate a film. Sometimes I don’t really want to hate a movie at first, BUT after time has passed, after I had some time to think about the flick(and maybe after another viewing of it) it becomes clear to me….

THIS MOVIE SUCKS.

So, here is my list of movies I hated. 

Now you have to understand, some of these movies, I wanted to like them. I was going to give them some leeway as a flick I would at least enjoy on some level. They may not have been in my Top Ten, but at least they wouldn’t have been in my “Movies I Hated” list. But no, the movies on my list couldn’t even do that.

So, without further adieu….

7. YEAR ONE-So much comedic talent in one film….and at best it gave me a chuckle….I think…maybe.  The rest of  the time it was a limp attempt in which it felt like it couldn’t go 100% on its concept.   Is it a period comedy or a modern comedy that just happens to be in a period setting? It didn’t know how to play the comedy, and thus, it  just layed there. And when did so many of these talented comedic actors decided to coast in this film and not even try? Everyone felt like they were on autopilot and did their same old shit.

6. Dragonball: Evolution-This was my curiosity one. I didn’t pay for it, incase you were wondering.  Beyond the fact that it does a shit job adapting the classic manga, as a movie, it fails. The characters are lifeless, the story is a mess, the fights are weak, and good god, is it set in Japan or the future? A futuristic Japan? I couldn’t tell. Also, I’ll say it, why couldn’t Goku have been played by an asian actor? Thats what I get for being curious.

5. X-Men Origins: Wolverine- Plot holes that you could drive a truck through. You want me to give an example? I would LOVE too. You have a mutant named Agent Zero whose powers, from what I can tell, is the ability to shoot like, really really good. The government sent him out to fight Wolverine, but Wolverine kicks his ass. The NEXT scene, we see Striker, Agent Zero’s boss, talk to some scientist about an adamantium bullet gun, something that they’re sure can kill Wolverine. Let me get this straight….these guys had a gun in development, that could kill Wolverine, and they didn’t want to wait till it’s done to give it the Agent Zero, whose power it is to SHOOT REALLY REALLY GOOD!?

Thats only ONE plot hole. Lets move on shall we…

4. Terminator Salvation- I couldn’t enjoy this for the action (which I agree, looked cool) because I wasn’t invested in any of our leads. Not Marcus or John Connor. Pacing was off, no time to develop story, and no time to develop it’s characters.  And the acting, Bale just yelled his lines, and Sam Worthington was nothing more then a moody tough guy. Anton Yelchin was the only one whole left with any dignity as I liked his performance as Kyle Reese. Overall, it was an empty shell of an action film, but with a name liked Terminator attached to it, it should have been more. Yep, the Terminator franchise ended with T2 for me.

3. Crank 2: High Voltage-I get it. Make it just like the first Crank, but you know, MORE extreme. That was the plan right? So you guys made it extreme! In yo FACE! YEAH! Lets see ALL the scenes from the first film AGAIN except crazier! Lets have an henchmen cut off his nipples and lets see it! BOTH NIPPLES in a long bloody scene! Lets have a really bad actress play a hooker like an coked up Jar Jar Binks(Looking at you Bai Ling)! Lets have a scene where it becomes a Godzilla movie! WHY?! Who cares! Its CRANK 2!

While I was watching it, I was wondering if the filmmakers goal was for calling me an idiot for watching this sequel.

Then, when the last shot of the film (spoiler?) is a burning Jason Statham looking at the camera giving  the audience the middle finger, the answer was clear. They’re saying “Fuck you for watching our movie, duude.”

Hey you know what filmmakers of Crank 2? Fuck you too.

2. Angels and Demons- God, it pains me to see Tom Hanks actually coast through a movie. To see the kind  of performance he gives here is sad. I’d never though I’d live to see the day Tom Hanks just phones it in, but thats what he did here. I’d never saw The DaVinci Code, but I got the feeling its the same boring movie as this. Angels and Demons has the great distinction of being a movie in which the hero accomplishes NOTHING. In this dull, cliché ridden tale, you realize that Hanks character brings nothing to story.  The same events would have happen the same way, with or without him.  If hero doesn’t do anything why make this movie? Hows that for a mystery.

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen- Man, where to begin. Transformers 2 is my new comparison on how to do a big blockbuster movie wrong. The more I think about it, the more frustrating it makes me. Not just because the movie’s bad, but because so many people went to see it and some even loved it. 

Why do some people love it? Beats me.

Theres no story, no pacing, no characters, or no drama. It feels like every time they develop the story, they stop to do an action scene. Every time they try to develop some characters, they do an action scene. They try to do something dramatic,they do an action scene.

I know, I know, you went to see a Micheal Bay movie, what were you expecting? SOMETHING MORE THEN THIS!

I’ll go and say it, Armageddon is the right kind of Micheal Bay summer blockbuster. They tried to make the characters work (I got to know the drillers in the meteor movie more then I did any of the Autobots in the robot movie), they tried to make the dramatic elements work (The “I love you Harry” scene is more effective of a dramatic death then Optimus death scene) and the story( as simple as it was) was easy to follow. You want to explain the plot of Revenge of the Fallen?

Armageddon isn’t genius filmmaking, but it was a fun summer movie that I though it hit all the right buttons. It wasn’t subtle , but it didn’t have to be. Its the kind of film Transformers 2 should have been.

I think Micheal Bay finally lost his damn mind, because Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen failed to be anything but frustrating for me.

Personally, I’d rather watch five so called “overrated” movies like Distict 9 or Avatar then one more Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen.

Agree to disagree people, but for me, I hated these flicks.

P.S. The illustrations were done by me as well (incase you didn’t figure that out 😉 My buddy Victor Camba helped me out with some of the ideas for drawings. I also want to point out that, yeah, not all of of them are good. And yeah, I probably should have inked them  as well. Well, if the some these filmmakers weren’t going to put in the effort to make their movie stand out, then why do my silly cartoons have to be any better. Thats my lazy excuse!

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I don’t get to see everything.

I don’t get paid to review films.

I don’t have the money to see it all.

 Sometimes, I just lose interest.

BUT, here is a list of flicks I really wanted to see(with the exception of ONE film), and hope to see soon, BUT I won’t be adding to my Favorites list (unless they completely blow me away.)

1. Moon- I hear great things about this film. I am fan of actor Sam Rockwell, and the premise and the style of the film just seems like a movie I could dig. Sigh…next time.

2. The Hurt Locker-Again, great reviews and a cool sounding premise.

3. Thirst- LOOOOOOVE Park Chan-Wook. I’m pissed that I missed this in the theaters.

 

4. Paper Heart-It just seems like the kind of quirky indy comedy that I could eat up. Great premise too.

5. Big Fan- I love Patton Oswald, and I loved the script for The Wrestler, and the reviews have been really good for this dark drama film.

6. Extract- The first Mike Judge movie I missed in theaters (YES, I actually got to see Idiocracy on the big screen.) The clips I saw at Comic Con where damn funny, so I definitely plan on seeing it…soon..eventually.

7. Stephen Soderbergh double misses! The Girlfriend Experience and The Informant- Loved the trailers for both films..

I think  Soderbergh is one of the most interesting(and most productive) filmmaker in the business. Even if his films misses, they are still interesting films to watch.

8. Paranormal Activity- I have a confession to make…I don’t want to see this.  The hype was too big. The expectations were too high and in then end, I feel I would have benefited from watching it with a big, audience. What sucks, the time I could have enjoyed it was back in June in 2009, where I got a call to check out a test screening of the film. I never heard of the film so I passed, but I wish I didn’t.  That was probably the best way to watch it…not knowing a damn thing about it. Now I know too much, theres nothing for me to get excited about here.

9. A Serious Man- I missed a dark comedy Coen Brothers film, thats unacceptable.

10. Bronson- first watch the trailer….

yeah, it looks all kinds of bad ass. I’m pretty disappointed.

11. Black Dynamite- All my friends saw it. They loved it. The sad part? Most of them would have never heard of it if I didn’t tell them about it after I showed them the trailer…

Grrr. I’m pissed.

That being said, I still got to see a LOT this year, and it was quite the interesting year in film, thats for sure.

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